I swear to you that I am a Romanov!

So, we have talked about the various and sundry experiences I have had with my extended family. It has been 16 years since we had any sort of regular contact and 22years since I could say that we had any sort of "normal" relationship.

A while back via Myspace I contacted a cousin, I have to say that she was better at e-mailing than I was. At any rate, I emailed her the other day and was rebuffed. After this I was really hurt, let's just state the obvious, my self esteem is roller coaster. It doesn't matter how many degrees I hold, how great my kids are, how talented I may or may not be, what my IQ is, how successful I may be, etc. at a moment's notice I allow myself to be reduced to the little 7 yr at his father's funeral, the guy that wet the bed and had no friends. Amazing how our brain can be so stunted.

The cousin just assumed that my e-mail was evidence of some nefarious plan. I was just trying to find out information about things that were "none of my business" since I had made "no effort" to make contact lo these many years. Of course, I replied and pointed out that it is hard for 14 a year old who has no money and no car to be in contact with their extended family members. But why split hairs? Besides, what the hell would I want? There is no money, no heirlooms, nothing. What could I possibly desire?

Oh Lord, why do I care? I am such a whore for approval! I know that I want them to recognize that I am of value (note, this is not a cry for help here, just stating the emotions...) You see I, like many people, never fit in with them. I could give less of a shit about sports, hated competition, crowds, boy scouts, velour and ROTC. I cared greatly for music, art, architecture, history and reading. Let's not forget that I was an over talkative hypochondriac that did not inspire joy in people who did not share my love of the aforementioned subjects. At any rate, the residue of these experiences is evident in day to day life.

That whole value thing is rough. I mean, shit! I try so hard to be a person of good will, I try to do the right thing (albeit, with varying degrees of success.) Other people that I like so much more love me, why the hell do these folks have an issue? Really? At any rate, yes Juli, it is sad...

Once, a friend said "if you could only see yourself as other people do." This hit me! I wasn't sure what it meant but it caused me to think. I mean, there are all of the good things that I denied myself. Then, there are all of the "crutches" that I allowed myself. I really credit that conversation with my conversion to relative sanity. All of this being said, and all of the work that I am doing, one stupid, ill-informed e-mail from a cousin and I am brought back to pee pee pants. What the fuck is that about?

At different times I have reached out to people and to be quite honest have not always been able to deal with what I got back. Sometimes the conversations were nice, sometimes not. In general, they are not fulfilling.

I could not have less in common with these folks, and yet it hurts when I don't get a response.

As I sit here and think, I would not go out of my way to have any sort of relationship with most of these people if we were not related by blood. There is no common ground.

Sigh...

So, keeping this in mind, I am reflecting on a conversation that I had with my brother today, complete opposite experience. We like each other, mind you this has not been an easy road but I would most certainly call him my closest friend.

Today, he did the virtual (well deserved) "bitch-slap", trying to get me to realize that this constant search for relevance in my "family's" existence is futile. We are not the same people, their lives only have bearing on me if I allow them to.

This was a good conversation, perspective is a good thing.