My Soul In Haste

The weight has got to go... Not sure how but my current ballast is not acceptable.

Why is it that the urge to diet always comes to me in the holiday season?

At any rate, life is a bit up in the air, potentially moving to what may be the perfect house for us. 1959 ranch house in the West Hills, dead-end street, circular drive, great price, three fireplaces, wall to wall windows. SAY A PRAYER! I feel incredibly uncomfortable in the current digs and that is saying a lot having lived in some pretty uncomfortable places... It would be nice to live in a homey place.

Work is very busy, fulfilling in so many ways. I feel like I am doing good work, just wish that I had more time to do it.

Children and wife are the lights of my life. Daily reminders of redemption.

Thought that the following hyn text was appropriate:

Jesus Christ the Apple Tree

From Divine Hymns or Spiritual Songs,

compiled by Joshua Smith, New Hampshire, 1784

Tune by Elizabeth Poston, 1905-1987

1

The tree of life my soul hath seen,

Laden with fruit and always green:

The tree of life my soul hath seen,

Laden with fruit and always green:

The trees of nature fruitless be

Compared with Christ the apple tree.

2

His beauty doth all things excel:

By faith I know, but ne’er can tell,

His beauty doth all things excel:

By faith I know, but ne'er can tell

The glory which I now can see

In Jesus Christ the apple tree.

3

For happiness I long have sought,

And pleasure dearly I have bought:

For happiness I long have sought,

And pleasure dearly I have bought:

I missed of all; but now I see

'Tis found in Christ the apple tree.

4

I'm weary with my former toil,

Here I will sit and rest a while:

I'm weary with my former toil,

Here I will sit and rest a while:

Under the shadow I will be,

Of Jesus Christ the apple tree.

5

This fruit doth make my soul to thrive,

It keeps my dying faith alive:

This fruit doth make my soul to thrive,

It keeps my dying faith alive:

Which makes my soul in haste to be

With Jesus Christ the apple tree.

Trauma, lama, ding-dong -or- Yes, I am in therapy, why are you backing away?

It has come to my attention as of late that I do not "inhabit" my body.

I know, you say "move away from Portland, the hippies are rubbing off" and "what is this self-indulgent bullshit?"

Let me explain, for a long time I have worked to "get" somewhere... To do something, keep moving, move past, forget etc. The phrase "two tears in a bucket, mother fuck it" became a sort of mantra.

Here is the deal, really... although I did move forward, I never really forgot all of the crap that I was trying to move past. Accomplishments can be made even if you are bogged down.

So, all of that time, I was pushing through, kicking and screaming making "progress", I was pushing down what was really the problem in my life... and losing touch with the most essential part of me in deference to sheer force of will.

So, the aftermath: a body that isn't working quite right and a mind that is not aware of how my body feels.

I truly believe that trauma leaves an indelible mark on each of us, it becomes a part of our physical being. It seems that if this is true, I have two choices 1. accept the this indelible mark and work to understand what it means. -or- 2. continue to ignore it and keep feeling disconnected.

I am going to make an effort for the 1st proposition. I mean, why the hell not?

I have closed the door

At the forward moving point of time I stand,
behind me rests the past, a mixture of triumphant highs and cavernous lows.
A series of vignettes frozen in time.

At the forward moving point of time I sit,
each moment new.
I am blind at entry and wiser at exit.


Every moment...

Every moment a birth and death of opportunity.

Nonesuch-nonsense.

It has been a long time. Let's see... Still working and enjoying my job. Children good, wifey good... Things have been generally bright of late.

In this relative calm I have decided to embark on some healing... Let us call it trauma-be-gone. Working with a professional to root out the unpleasantness of earlier days. Part of this came out of a need to deal with panic attacks, I mean no time like a quite time to try to figure it out right? Right.


In the past, I have struggled with these attacks. Sort of, out of body moments... They have been few and far between, also I think they are linked to the diabetes.

I hadn't really had one in a long time until a few weeks ago, just as I began seeing this new practitioner. It was funny, in the past, I have been conscious. Generally they have been triggered by some experience and they have required some serious meditation etc. This was different. First, I was almost asleep. Really near the point of dreaming. At first, my mind just speed up. Mostly images, nothing really concrete. Then I started "thinking" the sort of philosophical questions: purpose of life, existence of God, and the like. Suddenly, the thoughts came together and seemed to be poking at my own life experiences. It was like a debate team arguing out the relative merits of my life.

Physically I was aware of the change in heart rate and began to have cold sweats. Mentally, it was like my body was asking what was the purpose of my corporal being. Why was I here rather than "there" (the "there" wasn't fully described.) It was like my mind was asking me to make a choice, here or "there"... It took me a bit of time, I'm not sure how long, but I got up and went to the kitchen. I checked my blood sugar, it was 29. That is scary... I immediately ate the entire kitchen, really the entire kitchen...

So here is the question: was my body trying to get me to make a decision? Was it trying to make me "get up" and go eat by scaring the bejesus out of me? Strange... draw your own conclusion. I haven't figured it out yet.

As for the new therapy, so far, so good. No real life shaking revelations but generally a better understanding of my own place within my life. Now that I read that last line it seems a bit pretentious... I mean really how do you not understand your place in your own life? Well, I can't think of a better way to put it...

At any rate, the process has been good. I feel like I am coming to reside in my own body (OK, that is surely pretentious... sorry.) Generally, I am trying to pay attention to the emotions that I have and "where" and "how" I manage them. pretty much a completely different way of looking at emotions for me.

I don't really have a lot to say yet. Just some vague connections that I am beginning to see.

• The terrible stepfather who didn't get me to the terrible "friends" that I allowed to influence me later on in life.
• Lack of trust and how that breeds defensiveness.
• Extreme outward expression of "emotion" which masks inward emotion.

Little revelations, just food for thought.

Gradus ad Parnassum

Sometimes it takes music to bring out emotion. I am a very uptight right-brained person... I hear music and see pictures, I relate the pictures to my life. Today is was the Tocatta from Widor's 5th Organ Symphony. Religious ecstasy contained in two hands, four manuals, foot pedals and a lot of technique... Thank you Church organist.

Also, Messian is in my head a lot. Once in a theory class a teacher related the final movement of The Quartet for the End of Time to the Steps of Parnassus. Messian, with the piano and violin traces the steps of Christ to cruscifixion and the work of our own salvation. The piece is stunning and painful at the same time. I have never been able to listen without crying (the good kind of tears.) Perfection through pain is an odd concept, yet one inextricably bound to all walks of faith. If only we all could express it so elegantly as Messian.

Mozart - Regina Coeli C-Dur KV276

To Mom: