I am making an effort to be proactive. E-mailed and called media outlets, called city clerks, created Internet groups, posted pictures, retrieved little bits of the past and set them about to remind people.
This is hard, I was reminded while doing this of something "She who must not be named" once posted in her blog. When I first read the post I was shocked. Most of my readers by now know of the stupidity of this issue (read earlier post.) The following is taken from her blog, posted after she called the Del Ray Beach police department (an action, if done with the correct spirit, could have been amazingly kind given our recent past.)
Quote:
I did something for someone else that I would have done for myself. I knew that I could because I am relentless in my pursuit for anything I set my mind to. My intentions were not that of caring or compassion, but of the need to prove things are easily done when you choose to do them. Even if the result still remains questionable, at least I started it or it would have never happened.
When you make a decision about the importance of something or someone in your life and it goes away, you get it back. You don't whine or blog about it or sit on a pity pot. You go get it and you don't give up until you find it. I accomplished this feat in 3 days in the comfort of my own home and it was free. With the limited information I had and my only tool being a way with words and the Internet, I got further than anyone had in 2 years.
If my sister was ever missing there would be hell to pay and nothing or no one would ever discourage me from finding her. I would hope she would do the same for me. And yes I will try not to break my arm patting myself on the back.
Funny, not surprisingly much that was asserted in this statement is not true. Finding someone that is missing is not easy (a fact proved by all of the missing persons websites and support groups out there.)
It is apparently, very easy to disassociate yourself from the feelings of others.
I don't get it, I mean, the thing that is so odd about this is that the words listed above seem to be born of the same disregard for human feeling that seems to have been visited upon my sister.
I have a new mantra, taken from Edna St. Vincent Milay:
Dirge Without Music
I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains,--but the best is lost.
The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love, --
They are gone. They are gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave,
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
Here is the deal, this isn't over. It will not be accomplished in the "comfort of my own home" that is not where things get done. It will likely cost some money, it will certainly hurt. I refuse to let stupid, lazy, frightened, ugliness, born of misplaced anger define me. I will never understand how someone can use the pain of another to preach moral superiority.
To continue, I had a conversation today with my mom, not directly related to the former blog writer quoted above, but in reference to others of the same mentality. It made me think about some of this in a new light.
Here is the deal, humanity may, for a short time, glorify brazen commercialism, violence, sloth and the like. Those things have been here for a long time.
At the same time there are also the qualities of kindness and love. The willingness to fight (truly, not just with rhetoric) for what is right.
The two are not entirely un-separated, we all fight for one side or the other from time to time. I am a hypocrite, I sit and bitch, I let anger be my motivating factor etc.
Here is the question, which set of these qualities is ultimately responsible for the loss of my sister?
Which qualities do I want to define me from now on?
2 comments:
Ooooookay. This is getting dumb.
Wanted to set some things straight with you because I know you have a flair for the dramatic.
"The following is taken from her blog, posted after she called the Del Ray Beach police department (an action, if done with the correct spirit, could have been amazingly kind given our recent past.)"
Um, I actually wrote an email to them expressing my concern about how you were handled when you made an attempt to find her however long ago. I told them the situation and that if I didn't hear back from them that I was going to go to the media. I don't really think a "correct spirit" has anything to do with it. The "correct spirit" would have been you or your mother or your brother doing more about it earlier when it could have mattered more. Not that it matters any less, but you know as well as I do the odds of finding her are quite slim, at least the proper authorities are being active.
If you remember correctly Zakk, I was really into finding her when I was staying with you. It is interesting the way you handled the situation by not freeing up certain information. I remember asking you on several occasions what David's last name was, that you well knew and it was like pulling teeth. You have done/do the same thing to anyone wanting any specific information from you regarding certain things. I know you like to have control over situations and thats why you withhold information. I did it because you made it extremely difficult for anyone to help you.
I lit a fire under you so that should be the "correct spirit". Fuck yeah it was kind. If I hadn't done it, no one else would have, clearly.
"It is apparently, very easy to disassociate yourself from the feelings of others.", well not really. I cared for your sister if you remember correctly. Am I the only one that watched you be a total douche to your wife and children driving them out of your home under the guise of carpet replacement? WTF? Am I the only one, well yeah I guess I am, that sat and listened to Erin every day cry and express how unhappy she was with you? I really cared and was saddened that you couldn't get your shit together. Everyone was affected by it and it is really easy to hide behind family problems instead of being active about it.
"I don't get it, I mean, the thing that is so odd about this is that the words listed above seem to be born of the same disregard for human feeling that seems to have been visited upon my sister." Oh how terribly interesting. "Disregard for human feeling"? Am I the only one that remembers your mother, during Emillie's developmental years, being in the 7th circle of crazy? Oh I sure do. I'm sure she cares about you all now and late is better than never, but come on. She wasn't proactive in any of your lives for years and years. Your brother couldn't get the hell out fast enough. I have more feeling than you give me credit for my friend, I am just extremely angry that people don't do what they're supposed to. If anyone has a "disregard for human feeling" you know where to aim that accusation. It ain't me brother. T
"Here is the deal, this isn't over. It will not be accomplished in the "comfort of my own home" that is not where things get done. It will likely cost some money, it will certainly hurt. I refuse to let stupid, lazy, frightened, ugliness, born of misplaced anger define me. I will never understand how someone can use the pain of another to preach moral superiority." Good! I'm glad it isn't over and no you can't do anything from the comfort of your own home. I hope you're talking about your own anger because I haven't misplaced any of that. "Moral superiority" sure is something I know nothing about. I'm not catholic, remember? I wasn't trying to be superior, I was trying to prove a point.
At any rate, you can stop referring to me as "she who shall not be named" because you outed me when you posted that blog itemizing everything you think I owe you. I like all the embellishments you used to paint me in the most ungrateful light possible. I posted a link to your blog from mine to that particular post. It was popular. I just couldn't figure out how you can come up with that much money from one entity that never had the lights on, and ate your crumbs. I did become an alcoholic though, I admit that. I ran all that rubbish by my mother and various other people and the consensus was that one person could not rack up that much power, water and food. I see Erin in some of your pictures wearing my shit so don't say Buffalo Exchange wouldn't take my left overs. My shiz was cool and you know it. I could itemize every shoe and piece of clothing(and other things) I left there and we'd come up even. So zip it.
I know you like to be all introspective and what not. Whatever, the point is ultimately that you and your wife betrayed me. You never communicated things to me. You used me as a common theme you could unite your differences with. The time was of great upheaval in the house. Erin had it with you and so did I. You need to acknowledge that you were a complete asshole and I need to acknowledge that I didn't want to be around you to help you with anything. I think everyone was under a lot of stress mainly caused by you. Erin would have agreed with me had she not been so intent on not ruffling your feathers any more than need be. You know what's wrong with you, I'm not going to say anything else.
We all handle our family shiz in our own way. During all your unstableness may I also remind you that I had just lost my father and was trying to find my own footing. I am truly sorry you think I was taking advantage of you. I am truly sorry that I never paid attention to the details. I am truly sorry everything is such a struggle and that we can never find a constructive way to reach an end. I am truly sorry that I will never be able to see your beautiful girls grow up. I am truly sorry that my words and actions have cost me the 2 best friends I have ever had. I am truly sorry that Emillie is missing and I truly hope you find her.
T-you are a horrible human being and I hope you and Zakk can stop feuding so I can finally rid myself of all knowledge of your existance. You do not have a caring heart, a compassionate nature or a loving spirit. Those things may be hidden deep down somewhere but there are not readily visible. You are mean spirited, and the way you antagonize Zakk about his sister is reprehensible. It wounds, it stings, it is cutting. I am disappointed by your words and intentions. You were a good friend and I, until recently, still missed you. But you have made yourself out to be no true friend, and I rid myself of you.
EH
Post a Comment