An open apology to my co-workers

Dear Co-Workers,

I have to apologize for my appearance lo these last few weeks. Well last Friday, Charlotte barfed on my shoes, I had to wear flip flops. Not a good choice, I know...

Today, my outfit is inexcusably bad. These pants are a bit saggy. The three shirts I am wearing are not a good mix. the shoes are very bad. Bad, bad bad...

You may have noticed in the past few weeks that I have begun to gain a bit of weight, the reason for this is primarily the quantity of doughnuts that I have been eating in proportion to the lack of exercise the quantity of anti-depressants and anti anxiety medication mixed with the large quantity of fat-growth hormone that is injected into my body via the million-dollar artificial pancreas that I have acquired.

This equation would look something like this

[(doughnuts/laziness quotient) + (lexapro+klonopin+apidra insulin) = fat] = bad dressing...

I am not as fat as I once was, but definitely need to reconsider one of the following two factors:
Clothing Size
Food Intake

Thus begins Zakk 2.0...