Under the shadow I will be...

I sang for 8 hours straight today. In general I am not one to love that type of singing. Today was different. I cantored at the 9am, went well, rewarding. Sang at the 11 same, first Sunday of Advent, good, good. After this I had to prepare for a Lessons and Carols service for which I was hired to cantor. Service went great, I think it is one of the few times that I unhinged my brain and let it just happen. At any rate, good.

I have been touched a bit by despair lately. Ok, more than a bit. This week, I decided to seek help. Going back to my old therapist, revisiting the pharmacy. The catalyst for this came early last week as I was unable to focus on well, really, nothing but myself. Depression is the most selfish state (rightfully so, it is all about self preservation.) Here is the problems, I am one of those guilty types, scrupulosity describes me: unforgivable... I was thinking about this, that is, the state of unforgiveableness. Silly, given my religious beliefs. Fear+sin+low self-esteem+stress= bad. Here is the thing, we are not supposed to live in fear or in self loathing. God would not create us to languish in inner turmoil. So, if God didn't want us to be in this state, why is it that so many of us find ourselves stuck there. Well, I think in my case it is a combination of things, not feeling loved as a kid, needing to fit in, you know the accidents that all of us are born to in some way.

Ok, so there is no real ending to this, just some random thoughts. I think God bitch-slapped me this week. He said "why are you acting so stupid? Feel bad, but do something about it!" "You have work to do, what is death via despair going to accomplish?" Ok, point well taken, Zakk 0 God Like a ton, got it ok...

Here is the other thing, a priest once told me that sometimes you have to get angry at God. Ok, what does that mean? Then I just feel bad about myself, and fear death via car crash before making it to confession (joking.) So I reasoned a bit further, perhaps by not being angry with God, we just suppress what we are really feeling until it builds up against us. I guess that it just becomes more fuel for the self-esteem scrupulosity crap. I think, at least in my own case, depression just becomes a crutch for apathy. In addition, (mind you this includes religious references) I think it is a tool for the Devil to use against me.

Here it is, what do we really want most in life? Control (at least in my case.) Many of my issues stem from my own lack of control over well, me. The other stuff is not stuff that really I can actively control. What is the result? The perception that I have no control over my life. Here is where the delusional part: what is the supreme act of control? That's right, it is really easy to delude yourself that the only way to gain control is to destroy yourself. Obviously, this is flawed in a great many ways. Aside from the most notable means of destroying, what are other ways that we destroy ourselves? Well there are so many ways!

Well, today was a helpful day. Let us revel in my stream of conscious rantings by listening to Emily Poston's Jesus Christ the Apple Tree:



The tree of life my soul hath seen,
Laden with fruit and always green:
The trees of nature fruitless be
Compared with Christ the apple tree.

His beauty doth all things excel:
By faith I know, but ne'er can tell
The glory which I now can see
In Jesus Christ the apple tree.

For happiness I long have sought,
And pleasure dearly I have bought:
I missed of all; but now I see
'Tis found in Christ the apple tree.

I'm weary with my former toil,
Here I will sit and rest awhile:
Under the shadow I will be,
Of Jesus Christ the apple tree.

This fruit doth make my soul to thrive,
It keeps my dying faith alive;
Which makes my soul in haste to be
With Jesus Christ the apple tree.

I love this tune, it was in our wedding. Really one of the best pieces of text setting ever. Here is a bit about the poem and setting:

Jesus Christ the Apple Tree is a mystical poem, by an unknown New England author, found in the collection Divine Hymns or Spiritual Songs by Joshua Smith of New Hampshire, dated 1784. The setting by Elizabeth Poston (1905-1987) is well-known and much loved as a Christmas carol. Poston's setting is in the key of C Major, without any accidentals, which gives it a very pure folk-song-like sound. This hymn was a favourite of Robert Runcie, the 102nd Archbishop of Canterbury, and was sung at his funeral.