Bits of goodness

Two of my favorite bits of language:

"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."

Antoine de Saint-Exupere

Everyone Sang from Picture Show

EVERYONE suddenly burst out singing;
And I was filled with such delight
As prisoned birds must find in freedom,
Winging wildly across the white
Orchards and dark-green fields; on—on—and out of sight. 5

Everyone’s voice was suddenly lifted;
And beauty came like the setting sun:
My heart was shaken with tears; and horror
Drifted away ... O, but Everyone
Was a bird; and the song was wordless; the singing will never be done.


Siegfried Sassoon (1886–1967)

Christmas = Good

Superlative Christmas, we hosted the worlds best party on the 22nd. 20 friends, great food and conversation, couldn't be happier.

Christmas eve: mass for the kids at 3:30, liturgically awful but very rewarding. The best lessons and carols and midnight mass in my 6 years at the Cathedral.

Christmas day: woke up at 8, stockings and coffee. Sang the 11am mass at the cathedral. At noon as we sang the Hallelujah Chorus, it began to snow! Perfect

Went home for fantastic presents and family time.

In all of my life, never a more pleasant Christmas...

Salome Sandoval sings and play Villa-lobos

This is quite wonderful... The voice is so folky, I am pretty sure that this is what Villa Lobos had in mind. (I know people who sing it better) but I love the delivery!

Tamara's Blog

So, I have been reading Tamara's blog. I know, I shouldn't... You see, it is just that every time that I read it I hope to find some shred of the person that I hope that she really is.

Her latest foray into blogdom rips into a friend of mine whom is successful in the decorating world. Tamara was disappointed when visiting said freind's new store because she was not recognized, somehow this is my fault of course because I can do nothing better than talk shit on Tamara to all that I meet.

Tamara, perhaps she didn't recognize you because you dyed your hair and lost weight? Maybe it had to do with the fact that you haven't seen her for nearly two years? Perhaps it was due to the large number of customers that she was attending to?
She had a terrible head cold a while back, maybe she was overly medicated?

I don't know...

I was back there about a month ago, do you know how often your name came up in conversation with her? Never. Do you know why? I was busy, working and carting my kids around. Our posthumously lived friendship has nothing to do with her or anyone else for that matter. Here is a list of people that I have talked about you with since you moved on:

My family (includes mother, brother and sister-in-law but not my children)
Elizaebeth
Detective Devito (he asked who you were in regards to the police report)
Katie

Feel free to contact should you be interested in what I had to say.

Good God...

You know what, I didn't want your furniture. I have found a use for what you left behind. We gave away some of it sold some of it and we are using your dresser, coat tree, and your silverware. You left, when asked what you wanted us to do with it you told us to sell it or use it.

I will again point out that you did not have to leave when you did, you could have gotten a job and an apartment etc. You could have gotten a truck to help you move your stuff.

And what does any of that have to do with my religion?
A. WTF?
B. why am I a hypocrite?
I do endeavor to be a decent human being, I am a Catholic. I, like most people, fail to meet the standards that I have set for myself. Perhaps I do need to mention you in confession, but then again I would have to add Father George to list of people I had talked with you about. I just don't get the correlation between religion and me being a hypocrite.

You hold people to very high standards and hold your self to well really, no standard. If someone had acted upon you the way that you have treated my family, well, just remember the guy who owed your dad money. I haven't sent a collection agent after you or told PCC that you are not in fact a resident of Oregon. I have not sent your creditors your forwarding address (we get letters at least a few times a week that we write "No longer at this address" and send back. deal with my brother for the love of God. Have you told everybody about that?

I just am not sure. What do you want Tamara? I am gonna put this out there for the greater cosmos...

I am sorry for whatever you think we did to you. I am sorry that you think I am a hypocrite. I am pissed at you, you still haven't taken care of the issue with my brother. You insinuated yourself in the investigation for Emillie. You left a bunch of shit undone here. But of course, I am the hypocrite. I don't know why I care, no I do know why I care: you were my good friend and now your not. I want the best for you, truly. I don't want you to be unhappy, I don't want you to get shit on. That being said, I can't put up with your shit.

Take note:

What ever I did to you, it was not malicious. Can you say the same for your actions? Tamara, you ripped open the issue with my sister and then blogged about how ineffectual my family was. What the hell was that? You lived with us for a year and couldn't have talked to me about this? Maybe pointed out the fact that I was in denial? No, you wait till the moment is right and then use your perceived knowledge against you perceived foe. Well, whatever, worked out better for me anyway. Now I have a hat tree. Holy shit...

What do you want? Just say it.

Is this really about furniture? Have you ever talked to Erin about all of this?

Hmmmm.


Lets try to Tally this up


Tamara:
A place to live in Portland, OR for free (10 months?)$2500
Free Internet $350
Free electricity $200?
Free water $300
Free natural gas $150
Occasional free food and other various necessities $200?
Occasional dog walking free with purchase
Apparently a plane ticket back to KS free of charge $400?

Hoyt's
One less room in their house -$2500
increased utility bills -$1000
a rusty mattress and box spring gave it away on Craig's list
a pile of clothes that needed to be dry cleaned gave them to the Goodwill because Buffalo Exchange didn't want them
occasional childcare + $400
some silverware +200
several particle board pieces of furniture I got $35 on craigslist kept the dresser cause we needed one for the girls so lets say + 135
a hat tree +15

I am sure that there are more on both lists, I think you left some books here another $20+ for you? I am not sure, it seems that it all came down to this type of shit.

I will work on that whole hypocrite thing...

Under the shadow I will be...

I sang for 8 hours straight today. In general I am not one to love that type of singing. Today was different. I cantored at the 9am, went well, rewarding. Sang at the 11 same, first Sunday of Advent, good, good. After this I had to prepare for a Lessons and Carols service for which I was hired to cantor. Service went great, I think it is one of the few times that I unhinged my brain and let it just happen. At any rate, good.

I have been touched a bit by despair lately. Ok, more than a bit. This week, I decided to seek help. Going back to my old therapist, revisiting the pharmacy. The catalyst for this came early last week as I was unable to focus on well, really, nothing but myself. Depression is the most selfish state (rightfully so, it is all about self preservation.) Here is the problems, I am one of those guilty types, scrupulosity describes me: unforgivable... I was thinking about this, that is, the state of unforgiveableness. Silly, given my religious beliefs. Fear+sin+low self-esteem+stress= bad. Here is the thing, we are not supposed to live in fear or in self loathing. God would not create us to languish in inner turmoil. So, if God didn't want us to be in this state, why is it that so many of us find ourselves stuck there. Well, I think in my case it is a combination of things, not feeling loved as a kid, needing to fit in, you know the accidents that all of us are born to in some way.

Ok, so there is no real ending to this, just some random thoughts. I think God bitch-slapped me this week. He said "why are you acting so stupid? Feel bad, but do something about it!" "You have work to do, what is death via despair going to accomplish?" Ok, point well taken, Zakk 0 God Like a ton, got it ok...

Here is the other thing, a priest once told me that sometimes you have to get angry at God. Ok, what does that mean? Then I just feel bad about myself, and fear death via car crash before making it to confession (joking.) So I reasoned a bit further, perhaps by not being angry with God, we just suppress what we are really feeling until it builds up against us. I guess that it just becomes more fuel for the self-esteem scrupulosity crap. I think, at least in my own case, depression just becomes a crutch for apathy. In addition, (mind you this includes religious references) I think it is a tool for the Devil to use against me.

Here it is, what do we really want most in life? Control (at least in my case.) Many of my issues stem from my own lack of control over well, me. The other stuff is not stuff that really I can actively control. What is the result? The perception that I have no control over my life. Here is where the delusional part: what is the supreme act of control? That's right, it is really easy to delude yourself that the only way to gain control is to destroy yourself. Obviously, this is flawed in a great many ways. Aside from the most notable means of destroying, what are other ways that we destroy ourselves? Well there are so many ways!

Well, today was a helpful day. Let us revel in my stream of conscious rantings by listening to Emily Poston's Jesus Christ the Apple Tree:



The tree of life my soul hath seen,
Laden with fruit and always green:
The trees of nature fruitless be
Compared with Christ the apple tree.

His beauty doth all things excel:
By faith I know, but ne'er can tell
The glory which I now can see
In Jesus Christ the apple tree.

For happiness I long have sought,
And pleasure dearly I have bought:
I missed of all; but now I see
'Tis found in Christ the apple tree.

I'm weary with my former toil,
Here I will sit and rest awhile:
Under the shadow I will be,
Of Jesus Christ the apple tree.

This fruit doth make my soul to thrive,
It keeps my dying faith alive;
Which makes my soul in haste to be
With Jesus Christ the apple tree.

I love this tune, it was in our wedding. Really one of the best pieces of text setting ever. Here is a bit about the poem and setting:

Jesus Christ the Apple Tree is a mystical poem, by an unknown New England author, found in the collection Divine Hymns or Spiritual Songs by Joshua Smith of New Hampshire, dated 1784. The setting by Elizabeth Poston (1905-1987) is well-known and much loved as a Christmas carol. Poston's setting is in the key of C Major, without any accidentals, which gives it a very pure folk-song-like sound. This hymn was a favourite of Robert Runcie, the 102nd Archbishop of Canterbury, and was sung at his funeral.

Most Terrifying Video You'll Ever See

I love logic...