Trauma, lama, ding-dong -or- Yes, I am in therapy, why are you backing away?

It has come to my attention as of late that I do not "inhabit" my body.

I know, you say "move away from Portland, the hippies are rubbing off" and "what is this self-indulgent bullshit?"

Let me explain, for a long time I have worked to "get" somewhere... To do something, keep moving, move past, forget etc. The phrase "two tears in a bucket, mother fuck it" became a sort of mantra.

Here is the deal, really... although I did move forward, I never really forgot all of the crap that I was trying to move past. Accomplishments can be made even if you are bogged down.

So, all of that time, I was pushing through, kicking and screaming making "progress", I was pushing down what was really the problem in my life... and losing touch with the most essential part of me in deference to sheer force of will.

So, the aftermath: a body that isn't working quite right and a mind that is not aware of how my body feels.

I truly believe that trauma leaves an indelible mark on each of us, it becomes a part of our physical being. It seems that if this is true, I have two choices 1. accept the this indelible mark and work to understand what it means. -or- 2. continue to ignore it and keep feeling disconnected.

I am going to make an effort for the 1st proposition. I mean, why the hell not?