Nonesuch-nonsense.

It has been a long time. Let's see... Still working and enjoying my job. Children good, wifey good... Things have been generally bright of late.

In this relative calm I have decided to embark on some healing... Let us call it trauma-be-gone. Working with a professional to root out the unpleasantness of earlier days. Part of this came out of a need to deal with panic attacks, I mean no time like a quite time to try to figure it out right? Right.


In the past, I have struggled with these attacks. Sort of, out of body moments... They have been few and far between, also I think they are linked to the diabetes.

I hadn't really had one in a long time until a few weeks ago, just as I began seeing this new practitioner. It was funny, in the past, I have been conscious. Generally they have been triggered by some experience and they have required some serious meditation etc. This was different. First, I was almost asleep. Really near the point of dreaming. At first, my mind just speed up. Mostly images, nothing really concrete. Then I started "thinking" the sort of philosophical questions: purpose of life, existence of God, and the like. Suddenly, the thoughts came together and seemed to be poking at my own life experiences. It was like a debate team arguing out the relative merits of my life.

Physically I was aware of the change in heart rate and began to have cold sweats. Mentally, it was like my body was asking what was the purpose of my corporal being. Why was I here rather than "there" (the "there" wasn't fully described.) It was like my mind was asking me to make a choice, here or "there"... It took me a bit of time, I'm not sure how long, but I got up and went to the kitchen. I checked my blood sugar, it was 29. That is scary... I immediately ate the entire kitchen, really the entire kitchen...

So here is the question: was my body trying to get me to make a decision? Was it trying to make me "get up" and go eat by scaring the bejesus out of me? Strange... draw your own conclusion. I haven't figured it out yet.

As for the new therapy, so far, so good. No real life shaking revelations but generally a better understanding of my own place within my life. Now that I read that last line it seems a bit pretentious... I mean really how do you not understand your place in your own life? Well, I can't think of a better way to put it...

At any rate, the process has been good. I feel like I am coming to reside in my own body (OK, that is surely pretentious... sorry.) Generally, I am trying to pay attention to the emotions that I have and "where" and "how" I manage them. pretty much a completely different way of looking at emotions for me.

I don't really have a lot to say yet. Just some vague connections that I am beginning to see.

• The terrible stepfather who didn't get me to the terrible "friends" that I allowed to influence me later on in life.
• Lack of trust and how that breeds defensiveness.
• Extreme outward expression of "emotion" which masks inward emotion.

Little revelations, just food for thought.