The two Graces

She died, my replacement that is. She, almost exactly 12 months younger than me, named my name, loved by my parents, raised as the artificial oldest among a family of siblings, she died.

The two “Graces” we were, never knowing each other, we lived parallel lives.

Me, strangely dubbed Marry Ellen (the “adopted” child of an aged couple, too kind to turn me over to the orphanage) she, the artificial Grace Ruth, lived with my sisters, my mother and father doing whatever people named Grace Ruth do when they live in the upper Midwest.

Mary Ellen is was…

I found out that my name was Grace when I went to marry. Mary Ellen, the name I had known all my life, the name of that kind old lady I knew as my mother was not the name on my birth certificate. I was, in fact, Grace. Grace Ruth to be precise. The truth came in waves, not an orphan as believed, I was Grace Ruth. Given to a kind old couple, they were to watch me for a day. A year later, they were told that they could keep me.

Mary Ellen no more, I married Clarence.

Grace and Clarence (Rook to his friends) we were a pair! Only children, I fifteen, he nineteen. We forged a small life, in midst of war. The other Grace, she, who knows…

Clarence, like most of his age, was taken. Taken flight, soaring like Icarus. He crashed down stripped in his glory, leaving me alone, like before, save for the little son.

The other Grace, the little replacement, did she know? She and her sisters, did they know?

It was a full fifty years, before I knew they were there. Fifty years, one husband married, and dead to cancer, 5 children bore, the little son, the gift of that first love, lost to diabetes. Daughters in law, sons in law, grandchildren, great grandchildren.

Then, there I found you, sisters, and brothers in law, nieces and nephews, et al. That family, promised to all at birth. Given, for better and many times worse.

I made contact with all, four sisters total. One by one, refused until the youngest came to me. I, La fille prodigue, rebuffed by my replacement, shepherded by the youngest.

That youngest, she the sentinel informed me of each passing, two sisters gone within a year. Then that shepherd, the youngest. Then we were left alone, the other Grace and I. Now messages were passed via a distant cousin, ten years like this.

Did she, wonder about me? Wonder about the one who was she before she was?

I often thought about her. What would we say to each other? The simple holiday messages I sent to that cousin continued unchanged. Nobody else to die, no real change. The two Graces, living separate lives. No change, until this year.

She was gone never having met me.

It seems that now, I am wholly she, not my replacement that is, but, rather, the she that for 81 years I was not. The only Grace born to my parents, no longer hindered by that artificial Grace, the replacement. Or my own misplaced moniker, Mary Ellen. Now, the only Grace.

King of Glory

Ok, so have you ever wondered what it is that I do at my job?

This is a pretty good example of a typical day

An open apology to my co-workers

Dear Co-Workers,

I have to apologize for my appearance lo these last few weeks. Well last Friday, Charlotte barfed on my shoes, I had to wear flip flops. Not a good choice, I know...

Today, my outfit is inexcusably bad. These pants are a bit saggy. The three shirts I am wearing are not a good mix. the shoes are very bad. Bad, bad bad...

You may have noticed in the past few weeks that I have begun to gain a bit of weight, the reason for this is primarily the quantity of doughnuts that I have been eating in proportion to the lack of exercise the quantity of anti-depressants and anti anxiety medication mixed with the large quantity of fat-growth hormone that is injected into my body via the million-dollar artificial pancreas that I have acquired.

This equation would look something like this

[(doughnuts/laziness quotient) + (lexapro+klonopin+apidra insulin) = fat] = bad dressing...

I am not as fat as I once was, but definitely need to reconsider one of the following two factors:
Clothing Size
Food Intake

Thus begins Zakk 2.0...

The joy of Hymns to the hymns of hymns... and others

Funny, a nun at my job and my therapist are both from St. Mary's College in Leavenworth, KS. This is the place where I spent a good bit of my time during high school, the college that my mother and brother both attended and the location where I took my first voice lesson. Odd...

Other odd things of late, well, mostly, my Job, I will summarize my verbal response to several "composers":

Hello ____________

Yes we did receive your composition "Sacred love of the heart of the
most sacred sacred places in the heart of sacredness"

Actually we have chosen not to publish you piece at this time, this
decision is not...

Mr. ________, I am not sure that that is a judgement that you are really
qualified to make considering that you have never seen my genitals...

Mr. ________, that is not a nice thing to say about my mother...

Mr. ________, you realize that we are a religious music publisher and this
is not helping your case...

Mr._________, could you please not take the Lord's name in vain...

etc.

Weird! Or how's about this one:

Ma'am, well part of the reason that we decided that we are unable to
publish your song has to do with the rhyming scheme, you see, the planet
Venus, is never mentioned in the Bible and therefore is rarely of need in a
Biblical hymnal thus eliminating the need for you to rhyme it with the
word "penis" in your song: "I Love you God!"

ODD...

Bonfire of my vanity...

Of late, I have been a bit anti-social. I am sorry, just a bit internal for the moment. Have been mulling over the phrase from Romans.

This reading from Romans, is used at the Easter Vigil. For those that don't know, the Vigil is really the pinnacle of the liturgical year. It is the night that people come into the Catholic Church, that the word Alleluia is re-introduced to the liturgy after 40 days absence. It is the remembrance of the "night" in which Christ was resurrected. The service is a tenebrae service, that begins with a bonfire outside of the church from which the Paschal Candle is lit. There are many readings and psalms and the Exultet is chanted. Really, it is the most amazingly earthy, paganesque ritual of the year. Faure surely referenced this when he spoke of the Church's primal, human roots.

One of the readings is:

"Are you not aware that we who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? Through baptism into His death we were buried with Him, so that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might live a new life. If we have been united with Him through likeness to His death, so shall we be through a like resurrection." —Romans 6:3-5

I know, a lot of God in this one,stay with me...

This year's Easter Vigil was special for me. To be honest, I generally do not like the service, it is long (more than 3 hours.) It is late (duh), and generally it is cheese-tastic. This year it was different. I walked away with that phrase "Are you not aware" ringing in my head and not for the reasons that you who know me might assume.

I keep coming back to the thought that in our everyday life this phrase could be said to anyone: Thus "are you not aware..." and that simple sentence could give us a real insight into each other.

Cue cheesy REM music:

all of us have something so profound that changes us so much that it continues to effect us on a daily basis. Sometimes in the smallest of ways, and with the smallest of thing we are left vulnerable, wanting to say "are you not aware..." to those around us, just so that they could understand some piece of who we are.

This of course can be good or bad, for instance:

Are you not aware that my family keeps me alive and is the best thing to ever happen to me?

or conversely,

Are you not aware that ___________, and it hurts me so bad that I want to fall down weeping at your feet?

The letter to the Romans is expressing the same thing, a revelation whose conclusion should change you (this is not a religious thing, I promise.)

I want to try to put this into play as I interact with other people, when angry or frustrated, hatred or the like, I want to think about that person's revelation, what that person probably wants to express but can't.