Cracks in the Facade

I am not feeling well, had a bad day at work and had some bad diabetes times. All and all not my favorite day. I like concrete things in my life, there are some very in-concrete issues that need to be squared up:

1. Diabetes: WTF... Insulin Pump = costs lots, ok results... blehhhhh!
2. Me: doldrums of Portland rain. Just not feeling it. I think it may be time to put down the bottle and pick up the light-therapy.
3. Finally: Emillie, come on... WHAT IS THIS? I am good at planning parties, weddings and book placement. Why is my mind always placed into the funeral mode? Why do you not just come back to us? If you don't come back soon, I am going to plan some hoop-dinger of a funeral that well lets just say, will make you rue the day that you left us. That's right, last rights as torture! Oh God, that is morbid... I just have no where else to go. My mind needs resolution, I can't handle this. Why the FUCK does a really wonderful cop have to do his job and post familial DNA? Why can't this be more like l'enfant prodigue? Still my head goes to planning. I work at a liturgical publisher, its like torture, really odd:

• place: NOT A FUNERAL HOME, I hate funeral homes. Maybe a church, I know, but just for the sake of beauty. I mean come on! What are we left with? Some boxes of stuff and a few pictures. How are we supposed to know what you were like, what you wanted? I was thinking that it would have to end up in St. Joe (I know, it is Satan's armpit but, well, you get it. All of those bastards should be allowed to grieve as well.) What do you think of First Presbyterian? It has that beautiful window of The Resurrection in the apse. I mean, I think it should be beautiful and, well, in St. Joe we are limited to a precious few lovely places, maybe the Cathedral? I don't know, can't be outside as the weather is always suspect.
• Music, well I am a traditionalist, not in the Hymn sense, I don't think it should be about congregational singing, I don't want to go to the funeral of a person that I love, and then be forced to sing. What do you think of the Mystical Songs? Of course we would omit the last one, "Anthem", too much for me. George Herbert.
• Readings, not sure... poetry, something uplifting. Herbert, e.e. cummings? Some Bible, maybe Revelation 14:13 , Psalm 121, I like those thoughts. What would you read?
• Presider, holy shit, I have no idea. The only person that comes to mind is Father Brendan. Sorry, I know, back to the religion, not sure if that was your thing. He was worried about you, he wanted me to help you. I think that in that little visit when Erin and I got married, he got you. I don't know.
• Flowers, beautiful, natural, like a summer, simple, no pretension, just beautiful.

There it is, motivation to come back, if you don't I will plan your funeral and it will be pretentious and overblown. Perhaps I will hire an Anglican choir. That aught to do it, you don't want that crap... I am serious, ANGLICANS, I will pull out the big guns... maybe even Brahms, 6th movement of the Requiem, the Soprano Solo. Not kidding, I will do it. Do not Fuck with me, we are talking major pretentious.

Jesus... Emillie, come on.