Moves

So I have moved a lot in my life... Here is a random attempt to chronicle the number:

Born 1978, St. Joseph, MO (Pickett St.) Mom and Dad loved this house, their first home purchased together.

1. Moved 1979, Milwaukee, WI: For Dad's job, great old house. Yellow wallpaper in my bedroom.

2. Moved 1980, St. Joseph, MO (Bittersweet St.) Rental house, not sure where dad worked at this time. Mom hated the full-length front window.

3. Moved 1982? LaPorte, IN: Another neat house, Emillie was born here. I started preschool.

4. Moved 1983? Woodstock, GA: Surprise move of sorts. New house, poorly built. When we moved after living here we sold most of what we owned so that we could make it back to the Midwest. Grandparents, Aunt and Uncle helped to drive us back.

5. Moved 1983? St. Joseph, MO (Grandma Wood's House): Not a good time, all 5 of us lived in one room (1000 sq ft house 7 people total.) Very bad...

6. Moved 1983, St Joeseph, MO (West Meadow Lane) Bad house, stressful time for family. Dad's diabetes continues to get in the way of work. Mom goes to work at the hospital.

7. Moved 1984, St Joseph, MO ( Mitchell Ave 3100 block?) Strange house, former owner had shot his wife accidentally (she survived.) Strange toile wallpaper allover the living room.

8. Moved, 1985, St Joseph, MO (Mitchell Ave 3400 block?) The house that I remember most from childhood. Badly remodeled Victorian. Dad passed away in 1986 from complications from diabetes and Sleep Apnea. Mom stopped working at the hospital so she could have more time with us, went to work for the St. Joseph Museum. Mom called this house the "Albatross."

9. Moved 1992, Leavenworth, KS (Herb's House) Mom and Herb married, we sold most of our stuff to consolidate households. 11 days later Herb beat up mom, we left. Had to come back the same night to get what we could. Herb yells at me to be careful because there is a "lot of stuff to move" Aaron had stayed in St. Joe, working and going to college.

10. Moved 1992, Leavenworth, KS (Alliance Against Family Violence) We started out at the Commander's Inn, to save money moved to the Alliance. Herb put anything we couldn't get that first night into a storage locker. We later moved all of those things into an acquaintance's house. The Alliance was a mixed bag... some scary folks: a woman I will never forget named Tami who wanted to kill us for eating her cake. The sweet Brenda who was so kind to us all. Zeda who had big dreams and a raging coke habit. Sheila the exotic dancer whose face looked like raw meat the night she moved in. The classmate from my High School who had to move in with her mom (talk about awkward...) The woman, CarolAnne given to pathological lying. All in all, a very strange place. I had to lie to tell my classmates where I lived as the shelter's location was secret. Most afternoons I would wander Delaware street hassling the Antique Store owners...

11. Moved 1993, Leavenworth KS (Columbia Street) Moved out of the shelter. House was too small but felt good! TERRIBLE move in! Bad storm, moving truck stuck on the hill in front of house where our stuff was stored. Electric blue woodwork and mirrored tiles. I slept in the front bedroom, Emillie in the back, mom in the dining room. Later, Aaron moved in with us, sleeping in the living room before he began coursework at St. Mary's College. I got sick, found out I had diabetes.

12. Moved 1993, Leavenworth, KS (Pawnee Street): Mom and Bill marry, move to his house. Bad house! Rent out Columbia House to mutual "friend." Terrible year... I was not dealing well with diabetes. Strange, strange, strange.

13. Moved 1994, Leavenworth, KS (Pin Oaks): Bill transferred to AZ, good move! Mom and Bill's marriage annulled! Strange neighbors, abusive boyfriend etc... Bulk of high school at this house. I was embarrassed but in hindsight was not so bad a place. Used to have carpool drop me off at the entrance of the wealthy suburb across the street so that folks didn't know where I really lived.

14. Moved 1996, Tonganoxie, KS (Stacy's House): After heated argument with Mom after I graduated High School, moved into a friend's house taking anything that I could from the house (HUGE REGRET.) Lived in unfinished basement. Sold most of what I had taken with me to pay for living and being stupid (I was 18) Worked at an A & W. Had no money and couldn't find a better job.

15. Moved 1996, Lawrence, KS (Jared's House): Failed attempt at college. Tried to live in an apartment, one of the greatest regrets of my life (treated roommate terribly.) I just could not motivate myself. Slept all day, walked around Lawrence all night. Used to sit in the Campanile to watch the sunrise. Diabetes was really in poor control.

16. Moved 1996, Leavenworth, KS (Pin Oaks): Moved back in with Mom and Emillie, lived in the basement. Worked at Sears, Country Cupboard and for a caterer... Really depressing, felt like a failure. Everyone else at college...

17. Moved 1996, Leavenworth, KS (John's House): Another bad attempt at adulthood. BAD idea, after short period of time John moved my things out to the garage. We were not a good fit as roommates...

18. Moved 1997, St. Joseph, MO (Jim's House): Move in with family friend who had just had triple bypass. Got a job working for a carpet store, chain-smoked... Most depressing point thus far. Moved into Jim's apartment, got him a job at the same place that I worked. Ended badly with him trying to be a "father figure" I did not deal well.

19. Moved 1997, Leavenworth, KS (Columbia): Life a real mess, move home with Mom and Em. Begin work on the Columbia house. Totally gut the house and begin rebuilding. Mom and Em slept in back bedroom. I slept on living room couch and later on floor. We had no walls for months. Hard time, I struggled a lot with debt. Went to work for a furniture store in KC, MO. Ended up working 80 hours a week for a really bad boss. Downward spiral into chain-smoking anorexia. Stress gets so bad that I begin to have spontaneous nosebleeds. Friend Nicole from work orders me to "leave and never come back" gives me a mix tape.

20. Moved 1998, Atchison, KS (Benedictine): less than a year later after somehow quitting smoking, and turning my brain around I was awarded the role of Tony in Benedictine's production of West Side Story. After, awarded scholarship... LIFE CHANGING! Became a student, found Christ and the Church. Almost became a priest! Found my friend Mary Carol who has been a constant support.

21. Moved 2001, Portland, OR (PSU): After a Christmas visit to Portland in 2000, I fell in love with Erin (my dream girl from High School. In less than 6 months I picked up and moved all the way across the country so that we could have a relationship. Accepted into the opera program at PSU, win Oregon Laurels Scholarship... Mom and I really begin to have a good relationship.

22. Moved 2002, Portland, OR (Powell) Erin and I get married! This was a cute apt. in a not so good neighborhood. Felt we needed to move after neighbors were threatening...

23. Moved 2002, Portland, OR (SW 66th) Big apartment, being remodeled. Great place! We found out we were going to have Abigail and decided to buy a house!

24. Moved 2004, Portland, OR (Wabash) The best house that we could afford. My brother and I remodeled ever surface in the house between Thanksgiving and New Years so that Erin could be in the house while pregnant. Hard financial times, Erin lost her job after maternity leave. I was only working part time for PSU... Emillie visits for the first and last time.

25. Moved 2006, Portland, OR (Mall): Sold Wabash house for a profit when we found out that Erin was pregnant again. Closing was a nightmare! Problems with the documents required 3 separate signings! Moved to Mall (on Easter Sunday with only Elizaebeth's help), ugly but large house. We remodeled every inch of the house. ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL! Would have stayed but the job market tanked! NO MONEY! We put the house on the market, it sold one day later... Oh and I got a great job at the same time, doh! At the same time, Emillie disappears. Mom gets Cancer. I lose my mind... (enter therapy)

26. Moved 2008, Portland, OR (Hurst) Rush job! Had to move, found great Victorian in North Portland. Had a terrible accident while moving, moving truck caused a great deal of damage to the Radio Shack on Lombard and to a late model Ford Taurus (uninsured driver...) At any rate, awesome garden! Unfortunately, Erin's job moved her to the other side of town creating a 1 hour commute. A year later, we knew that we had to move again.

27. Moved 2009, Portland, OR (Tacoma) The house of doom... Stupid! Only moved for Erin's job. House was half the size, in a terrible part of a great neighborhood. Landlord did NO maintenance (methane gas coming from the tub and sink drains... AWESOME! Oh, and 3 months after we moved in, Erin lost her job... The most depressing place that I have lived in here in Portland.

28. Moved 2010, Portland, OR (SW Hills): This will be the change. I want to stay here. We await the birth of the 3rd little Hoyt. Dear Lord, let us make this place our home.

Correct any inaccuracy! I am going to try to fill in some of these as actual stories with exposition...

My Soul In Haste

The weight has got to go... Not sure how but my current ballast is not acceptable.

Why is it that the urge to diet always comes to me in the holiday season?

At any rate, life is a bit up in the air, potentially moving to what may be the perfect house for us. 1959 ranch house in the West Hills, dead-end street, circular drive, great price, three fireplaces, wall to wall windows. SAY A PRAYER! I feel incredibly uncomfortable in the current digs and that is saying a lot having lived in some pretty uncomfortable places... It would be nice to live in a homey place.

Work is very busy, fulfilling in so many ways. I feel like I am doing good work, just wish that I had more time to do it.

Children and wife are the lights of my life. Daily reminders of redemption.

Thought that the following hyn text was appropriate:

Jesus Christ the Apple Tree

From Divine Hymns or Spiritual Songs,

compiled by Joshua Smith, New Hampshire, 1784

Tune by Elizabeth Poston, 1905-1987

1

The tree of life my soul hath seen,

Laden with fruit and always green:

The tree of life my soul hath seen,

Laden with fruit and always green:

The trees of nature fruitless be

Compared with Christ the apple tree.

2

His beauty doth all things excel:

By faith I know, but ne’er can tell,

His beauty doth all things excel:

By faith I know, but ne'er can tell

The glory which I now can see

In Jesus Christ the apple tree.

3

For happiness I long have sought,

And pleasure dearly I have bought:

For happiness I long have sought,

And pleasure dearly I have bought:

I missed of all; but now I see

'Tis found in Christ the apple tree.

4

I'm weary with my former toil,

Here I will sit and rest a while:

I'm weary with my former toil,

Here I will sit and rest a while:

Under the shadow I will be,

Of Jesus Christ the apple tree.

5

This fruit doth make my soul to thrive,

It keeps my dying faith alive:

This fruit doth make my soul to thrive,

It keeps my dying faith alive:

Which makes my soul in haste to be

With Jesus Christ the apple tree.

Trauma, lama, ding-dong -or- Yes, I am in therapy, why are you backing away?

It has come to my attention as of late that I do not "inhabit" my body.

I know, you say "move away from Portland, the hippies are rubbing off" and "what is this self-indulgent bullshit?"

Let me explain, for a long time I have worked to "get" somewhere... To do something, keep moving, move past, forget etc. The phrase "two tears in a bucket, mother fuck it" became a sort of mantra.

Here is the deal, really... although I did move forward, I never really forgot all of the crap that I was trying to move past. Accomplishments can be made even if you are bogged down.

So, all of that time, I was pushing through, kicking and screaming making "progress", I was pushing down what was really the problem in my life... and losing touch with the most essential part of me in deference to sheer force of will.

So, the aftermath: a body that isn't working quite right and a mind that is not aware of how my body feels.

I truly believe that trauma leaves an indelible mark on each of us, it becomes a part of our physical being. It seems that if this is true, I have two choices 1. accept the this indelible mark and work to understand what it means. -or- 2. continue to ignore it and keep feeling disconnected.

I am going to make an effort for the 1st proposition. I mean, why the hell not?

I have closed the door

At the forward moving point of time I stand,
behind me rests the past, a mixture of triumphant highs and cavernous lows.
A series of vignettes frozen in time.

At the forward moving point of time I sit,
each moment new.
I am blind at entry and wiser at exit.


Every moment...

Every moment a birth and death of opportunity.

Nonesuch-nonsense.

It has been a long time. Let's see... Still working and enjoying my job. Children good, wifey good... Things have been generally bright of late.

In this relative calm I have decided to embark on some healing... Let us call it trauma-be-gone. Working with a professional to root out the unpleasantness of earlier days. Part of this came out of a need to deal with panic attacks, I mean no time like a quite time to try to figure it out right? Right.


In the past, I have struggled with these attacks. Sort of, out of body moments... They have been few and far between, also I think they are linked to the diabetes.

I hadn't really had one in a long time until a few weeks ago, just as I began seeing this new practitioner. It was funny, in the past, I have been conscious. Generally they have been triggered by some experience and they have required some serious meditation etc. This was different. First, I was almost asleep. Really near the point of dreaming. At first, my mind just speed up. Mostly images, nothing really concrete. Then I started "thinking" the sort of philosophical questions: purpose of life, existence of God, and the like. Suddenly, the thoughts came together and seemed to be poking at my own life experiences. It was like a debate team arguing out the relative merits of my life.

Physically I was aware of the change in heart rate and began to have cold sweats. Mentally, it was like my body was asking what was the purpose of my corporal being. Why was I here rather than "there" (the "there" wasn't fully described.) It was like my mind was asking me to make a choice, here or "there"... It took me a bit of time, I'm not sure how long, but I got up and went to the kitchen. I checked my blood sugar, it was 29. That is scary... I immediately ate the entire kitchen, really the entire kitchen...

So here is the question: was my body trying to get me to make a decision? Was it trying to make me "get up" and go eat by scaring the bejesus out of me? Strange... draw your own conclusion. I haven't figured it out yet.

As for the new therapy, so far, so good. No real life shaking revelations but generally a better understanding of my own place within my life. Now that I read that last line it seems a bit pretentious... I mean really how do you not understand your place in your own life? Well, I can't think of a better way to put it...

At any rate, the process has been good. I feel like I am coming to reside in my own body (OK, that is surely pretentious... sorry.) Generally, I am trying to pay attention to the emotions that I have and "where" and "how" I manage them. pretty much a completely different way of looking at emotions for me.

I don't really have a lot to say yet. Just some vague connections that I am beginning to see.

• The terrible stepfather who didn't get me to the terrible "friends" that I allowed to influence me later on in life.
• Lack of trust and how that breeds defensiveness.
• Extreme outward expression of "emotion" which masks inward emotion.

Little revelations, just food for thought.

Gradus ad Parnassum

Sometimes it takes music to bring out emotion. I am a very uptight right-brained person... I hear music and see pictures, I relate the pictures to my life. Today is was the Tocatta from Widor's 5th Organ Symphony. Religious ecstasy contained in two hands, four manuals, foot pedals and a lot of technique... Thank you Church organist.

Also, Messian is in my head a lot. Once in a theory class a teacher related the final movement of The Quartet for the End of Time to the Steps of Parnassus. Messian, with the piano and violin traces the steps of Christ to cruscifixion and the work of our own salvation. The piece is stunning and painful at the same time. I have never been able to listen without crying (the good kind of tears.) Perfection through pain is an odd concept, yet one inextricably bound to all walks of faith. If only we all could express it so elegantly as Messian.

Mozart - Regina Coeli C-Dur KV276

To Mom: