The joy of Hymns to the hymns of hymns... and others

Funny, a nun at my job and my therapist are both from St. Mary's College in Leavenworth, KS. This is the place where I spent a good bit of my time during high school, the college that my mother and brother both attended and the location where I took my first voice lesson. Odd...

Other odd things of late, well, mostly, my Job, I will summarize my verbal response to several "composers":

Hello ____________

Yes we did receive your composition "Sacred love of the heart of the
most sacred sacred places in the heart of sacredness"

Actually we have chosen not to publish you piece at this time, this
decision is not...

Mr. ________, I am not sure that that is a judgement that you are really
qualified to make considering that you have never seen my genitals...

Mr. ________, that is not a nice thing to say about my mother...

Mr. ________, you realize that we are a religious music publisher and this
is not helping your case...

Mr._________, could you please not take the Lord's name in vain...

etc.

Weird! Or how's about this one:

Ma'am, well part of the reason that we decided that we are unable to
publish your song has to do with the rhyming scheme, you see, the planet
Venus, is never mentioned in the Bible and therefore is rarely of need in a
Biblical hymnal thus eliminating the need for you to rhyme it with the
word "penis" in your song: "I Love you God!"

ODD...

Bonfire of my vanity...

Of late, I have been a bit anti-social. I am sorry, just a bit internal for the moment. Have been mulling over the phrase from Romans.

This reading from Romans, is used at the Easter Vigil. For those that don't know, the Vigil is really the pinnacle of the liturgical year. It is the night that people come into the Catholic Church, that the word Alleluia is re-introduced to the liturgy after 40 days absence. It is the remembrance of the "night" in which Christ was resurrected. The service is a tenebrae service, that begins with a bonfire outside of the church from which the Paschal Candle is lit. There are many readings and psalms and the Exultet is chanted. Really, it is the most amazingly earthy, paganesque ritual of the year. Faure surely referenced this when he spoke of the Church's primal, human roots.

One of the readings is:

"Are you not aware that we who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? Through baptism into His death we were buried with Him, so that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might live a new life. If we have been united with Him through likeness to His death, so shall we be through a like resurrection." —Romans 6:3-5

I know, a lot of God in this one,stay with me...

This year's Easter Vigil was special for me. To be honest, I generally do not like the service, it is long (more than 3 hours.) It is late (duh), and generally it is cheese-tastic. This year it was different. I walked away with that phrase "Are you not aware" ringing in my head and not for the reasons that you who know me might assume.

I keep coming back to the thought that in our everyday life this phrase could be said to anyone: Thus "are you not aware..." and that simple sentence could give us a real insight into each other.

Cue cheesy REM music:

all of us have something so profound that changes us so much that it continues to effect us on a daily basis. Sometimes in the smallest of ways, and with the smallest of thing we are left vulnerable, wanting to say "are you not aware..." to those around us, just so that they could understand some piece of who we are.

This of course can be good or bad, for instance:

Are you not aware that my family keeps me alive and is the best thing to ever happen to me?

or conversely,

Are you not aware that ___________, and it hurts me so bad that I want to fall down weeping at your feet?

The letter to the Romans is expressing the same thing, a revelation whose conclusion should change you (this is not a religious thing, I promise.)

I want to try to put this into play as I interact with other people, when angry or frustrated, hatred or the like, I want to think about that person's revelation, what that person probably wants to express but can't.

Let them eat wallpaper...

There is a reason that wallpaper has gone out of fashion... I recently took it upon myself to wallpaper the inside of a little french provincial china cabinet. It was perhaps not such a good idea to use a wallpaper with a 36 inch repeat with a HUGE botanical pattern. Needless to say it turned out quite lovely, however, there was a great deal of cussing etc.

I got the wallpaper from Miller paint, a remnant of a fabulous Brunswig and Fils for $10, marvelous! At any rate, I had the opportunity to touch De Gourney, hand-painted silk wallpaper that retails for $1000 per panel (not roll! A 36 inch panel...)

I priced Zuber paper, you know the stuff that got Jackie O in trouble in her redecoration of the White House . You would not even believe the price... Holy shit!

Sorry, had to dork out for a moment. Carry on...

My name is Zakk, and I am an addict...

I think I have a problem...

You see, I like to adopt stray furniture and home accessories. I find them laying about in the trash, at the Goodwill and on Craigslist.

It started with the delusions of a business some time ago. This has never really worked out, you see I have trouble letting go, I mean really, they are like little children, they might feel abandoned...

In the end, our house is rather fantastic, most of our furniture came via the trash or Craigslist. I have painted and polished, sewn and re-wired this place into a veritable frenzy of domesticity. From the $150 Chippendale sofa, to the collection of vintage furniture gleaned from a woman moving to Texas FREE, to our $250 6'3" grand piano. Really, who couldn't pass up prices like these?

I can't help it if one of my greatest joys in life is polishing vintage silver scored at the Goodwill! Who are you to judge me!

(Don't tell my wife, there are two vintage chandeliers hiding in the crawlspace... She doesn't need to know! They were free, jeeze...)

The pine bed frame in the back of the Volvo just needs a coat of paint! Don't touch that buffet, it just needs some TLC, come on ! I am recycling...

Don't worry, I am seeking help...

Vague and Nonsensical

It is interesting how seemingly un-connected people can be of great help. I recently called a person who had no need to return my call. This person is peripherally connected to Emillie's disappearance. His name came to me through a weird twist of fate and 35 dollars paid to the Florida State Department of Vital records.

His name and address was listed on a document, a quick web search and there was his phone number. It took a minute, but I called and left a message detailing the situation and trying to connect his name to my sister, I then hung up.

I did not expect to get a call back, after all, who am I to dredge up something painful from his past in an effort to shed some light on something painful in my present. Alas, at 3 this afternoon, he called. He connected some dots and asked for Emillie's picture. He, did not know her but said that he would be glad to help.

There were a few epiphanies, enlightening moments into the character of Emillie's Floridian companion. A little information about the woman that connected said companion to my sister and that was all.

I e-mailed the pictures tonight. Funny, how a person so far removed can be so present.

That last statement could refer to the man who called me today, it could also refer to my sister whom I know so little about.

In this process I have found out so many things about so many different people, none of them related to me. So little of this knowledge falls into my usual categories of interest, not sure where to file at this point. Just odd and sad.

I am sorry if this is stupidly obtuse and vague, but, well, consider the source...

"A formula, a phrase remains"

So, here we are again left to the ups and downs of emotion. There is a lot going on, please be indulgent for what follows...

I am making an effort to be proactive. E-mailed and called media outlets, called city clerks, created Internet groups, posted pictures, retrieved little bits of the past and set them about to remind people.

This is hard, I was reminded while doing this of something "She who must not be named" once posted in her blog. When I first read the post I was shocked. Most of my readers by now know of the stupidity of this issue (read earlier post.) The following is taken from her blog, posted after she called the Del Ray Beach police department (an action, if done with the correct spirit, could have been amazingly kind given our recent past.)

Quote:

I did something for someone else that I would have done for myself. I knew that I could because I am relentless in my pursuit for anything I set my mind to. My intentions were not that of caring or compassion, but of the need to prove things are easily done when you choose to do them. Even if the result still remains questionable, at least I started it or it would have never happened.

When you make a decision about the importance of something or someone in your life and it goes away, you get it back. You don't whine or blog about it or sit on a pity pot. You go get it and you don't give up until you find it. I accomplished this feat in 3 days in the comfort of my own home and it was free. With the limited information I had and my only tool being a way with words and the Internet, I got further than anyone had in 2 years.

If my sister was ever missing there would be hell to pay and nothing or no one would ever discourage me from finding her. I would hope she would do the same for me. And yes I will try not to break my arm patting myself on the back.

Funny, not surprisingly much that was asserted in this statement is not true. Finding someone that is missing is not easy (a fact proved by all of the missing persons websites and support groups out there.)

It is apparently, very easy to disassociate yourself from the feelings of others.

I don't get it, I mean, the thing that is so odd about this is that the words listed above seem to be born of the same disregard for human feeling that seems to have been visited upon my sister.

I have a new mantra, taken from Edna St. Vincent Milay:

Dirge Without Music

I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.

So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:

Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned

With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.

Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.

Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.

A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,

A formula, a phrase remains,--but the best is lost.

The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love, --

They are gone. They are gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled

Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.

More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.

Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave,

Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;

Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.

I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

-- Edna St. Vincent Millay

Here is the deal, this isn't over. It will not be accomplished in the "comfort of my own home" that is not where things get done. It will likely cost some money, it will certainly hurt. I refuse to let stupid, lazy, frightened, ugliness, born of misplaced anger define me. I will never understand how someone can use the pain of another to preach moral superiority.

To continue, I had a conversation today with my mom, not directly related to the former blog writer quoted above, but in reference to others of the same mentality. It made me think about some of this in a new light.

Here is the deal, humanity may, for a short time, glorify brazen commercialism, violence, sloth and the like. Those things have been here for a long time.

At the same time there are also the qualities of kindness and love. The willingness to fight (truly, not just with rhetoric) for what is right.

The two are not entirely un-separated, we all fight for one side or the other from time to time. I am a hypocrite, I sit and bitch, I let anger be my motivating factor etc.

Here is the question, which set of these qualities is ultimately responsible for the loss of my sister?

Which qualities do I want to define me from now on?

From the 1 yr. old

Musings:

Had my review at work today, positive, raise insues! I have to say that in the recent happenings the job has been a highpoint.

Yesterday, I was reading a story to the kidlets, #2 sitting on my lap wrapped up in the newly re-discovered Boppy pillow, #1 to my snuggling left. Imagine my shock as I read Maurice Sendak's Swine Lake when #2 in her 16 month old reverie lifted her arm above her head and bitch slapped number one then gleafully announced "ouchie!" #1 yells "she hit me! That is not nice" (#2 giggles) the wife has to hide her head in the closet not to show her laughter. I tried to hold it in, really, but when a 16 month old bitch slaps a almost 4 year old, well, that shit is funny!

Auditioned for Pirates of Penzance, was last minute substitution in Carmen last week, all in all fulfilling. Keeping finger crossed about the former...

A note to the Hoyt's in the middle region, sell your houses and move here. The stinkle monkeys miss you.

That is all disperse...