My Soul In Haste

The weight has got to go... Not sure how but my current ballast is not acceptable.

Why is it that the urge to diet always comes to me in the holiday season?

At any rate, life is a bit up in the air, potentially moving to what may be the perfect house for us. 1959 ranch house in the West Hills, dead-end street, circular drive, great price, three fireplaces, wall to wall windows. SAY A PRAYER! I feel incredibly uncomfortable in the current digs and that is saying a lot having lived in some pretty uncomfortable places... It would be nice to live in a homey place.

Work is very busy, fulfilling in so many ways. I feel like I am doing good work, just wish that I had more time to do it.

Children and wife are the lights of my life. Daily reminders of redemption.

Thought that the following hyn text was appropriate:

Jesus Christ the Apple Tree

From Divine Hymns or Spiritual Songs,

compiled by Joshua Smith, New Hampshire, 1784

Tune by Elizabeth Poston, 1905-1987

1

The tree of life my soul hath seen,

Laden with fruit and always green:

The tree of life my soul hath seen,

Laden with fruit and always green:

The trees of nature fruitless be

Compared with Christ the apple tree.

2

His beauty doth all things excel:

By faith I know, but ne’er can tell,

His beauty doth all things excel:

By faith I know, but ne'er can tell

The glory which I now can see

In Jesus Christ the apple tree.

3

For happiness I long have sought,

And pleasure dearly I have bought:

For happiness I long have sought,

And pleasure dearly I have bought:

I missed of all; but now I see

'Tis found in Christ the apple tree.

4

I'm weary with my former toil,

Here I will sit and rest a while:

I'm weary with my former toil,

Here I will sit and rest a while:

Under the shadow I will be,

Of Jesus Christ the apple tree.

5

This fruit doth make my soul to thrive,

It keeps my dying faith alive:

This fruit doth make my soul to thrive,

It keeps my dying faith alive:

Which makes my soul in haste to be

With Jesus Christ the apple tree.

Trauma, lama, ding-dong -or- Yes, I am in therapy, why are you backing away?

It has come to my attention as of late that I do not "inhabit" my body.

I know, you say "move away from Portland, the hippies are rubbing off" and "what is this self-indulgent bullshit?"

Let me explain, for a long time I have worked to "get" somewhere... To do something, keep moving, move past, forget etc. The phrase "two tears in a bucket, mother fuck it" became a sort of mantra.

Here is the deal, really... although I did move forward, I never really forgot all of the crap that I was trying to move past. Accomplishments can be made even if you are bogged down.

So, all of that time, I was pushing through, kicking and screaming making "progress", I was pushing down what was really the problem in my life... and losing touch with the most essential part of me in deference to sheer force of will.

So, the aftermath: a body that isn't working quite right and a mind that is not aware of how my body feels.

I truly believe that trauma leaves an indelible mark on each of us, it becomes a part of our physical being. It seems that if this is true, I have two choices 1. accept the this indelible mark and work to understand what it means. -or- 2. continue to ignore it and keep feeling disconnected.

I am going to make an effort for the 1st proposition. I mean, why the hell not?